19 January 2012

Screw as I say, not as I screw.

I wish I knew who did this boss caricature.
"I think you can write a psychological profile of me that says I found a way to immerse my insecurities in a cause large enough to justify whatever I wanted it to."
- Newt Gingrich, in an interview with Gail Sheehy
A former staffer named Anne Manning seems to be the earliest claimant to an affair with the creepy and odious Newt Gingrich. She says he limited their encounters to her servicing him orally "so he could say he had not slept with me."

How gallant. Also, please note the "eatin' ain't cheatin'" foreshadowing.

A few years later, Newt Gingrich attempted to get his first wife, Jackie Battley, to agree to his terms for the divorce while she was in the hospital, semi-anesthetized, recovering from uterine cancer surgery. According to Newt's former campaign treasurer, Newt said of Jackie "She's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer."

First wife: He married Jackie Battley, his former teacher, in 1962 when he was 19 years old and she was 26. They had two daughters, Kathy and Jackie
Well, you're not exactly Brad Pitt yourself. Or president.
Jackie was Newt's high-school geometry teacher, who he began surreptitiously dating when he was a mere lad of 16.

Please note the horny schoolboy foreshadowing.

It should surprise you not at all to learn Newt ended up being a real hard case about the division of marital assets accumulated over 18 years, to the point the mother of his two daughters had to seek a court order to pay the utilities.

It seems likely that Marianne Ginther, 16 years younger than Jackie, was — shall we say — already "on deck," as she and Newt were married in 1981, a mere six months after his divorce from Jackie was final.

Please note that "how soon looks hasty?" and "trade in for younger model" foreshadowing.

Second wife: Mr Gingrich married Marianne Ginther in 1981, six months after his divorce with his previous spouse was finalised
Just you wait.                            Backatcha.
In 1983, Newt became Congress' moral crusader, making the Congressional Page sex scandal his cause célèbre, to the point of demanding Congress expel his colleagues Representatives Gerry Studds (D) and Daniel Crane (R).
Representative Newt Gingrich, Republican of Georgia, took the floor of the House and told his colleagues that no teacher in any school system would be allowed to continue teaching if he or she had sexual relations with a student. ''The two Congressmen, like a teacher, must be fired,'' Mr. Gingrich said. (New York Times, 19 July 1983) 
Or, y'know...married. They ended up censured. But again, note the cannibalistic foreshadowing.

In 1993, Newt started having an affair with Callista Bisek, a self-described "devout Catholic" and semiprofessional botox abuser. Callista was a Congressional staffer a mere 23 years his junior.

I will eat your soul.
In 1996, House Speaker Gingrich sponsored the so-called "Defense of Marriage Act," because "marriage is between a man and a woman."

Foreshadowing, etc.

In 1998, Speaker Gingrich initiated impeachment proceedings against President Bill Clinton over blowjobs performed by White House intern Monica Lewinsky. When asked if there might have been some hypocrisy involved, Newt thought not. In a 2007 interview with the odious hate group Focus on the Family (which I refuse to link to, for obvious reasons), Newt explained:
I drew a line in my mind that said, "Even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed, and even though at a purely personal level I am not rendering judgment on another human being, as a leader of the government trying to uphold the rule of law, I have no choice except to move forward and say that you cannot accept...perjury in your highest officials."
Wow. Have you ever seen more ego and narcissism packed into such a small space?

Naturally, Newt — modestly styling himself a "leader of the government" — isn't judging (heaven forfend!), he's merely fulfilling his duty to be the noble arm of justice. It wasn't the moral failure of adultery (that we were both guilty of) — it was the crime of perjury (that only Clinton was guilty of)!

Except that, at the time, adultery was indeed a crime in the District of Columbia.

Moreover, Gingrich himself ended up racking up 84 charges of ethics violations as House Speaker, including an official reprimand for (wait for it) "making false statements," (perjury that isn't performed front of a judge) which effectively led to Newt slinking out of office under a cloud of shame and suspicion. Without the smallest trace of irony, Newt explained:
"I'm willing to lead, but I'm not willing to preside over people who are cannibals." (New York Times, 8 November 1998)
Says the corrupt jackass whose actions cost fellow Republican Rep. Daniel Crane his seat, and whose idiotic bomb-throwing political style damn near lost the Republicans their majority in the House in one of the biggest upsets in recent political history.

The latest bombshell is that Newt once attempted to...shall we say "redefine marriage" by making it between 1 man and 2 women. Marianne said Newt insisted St. Callista was cool with the idea of "sharing" him.

Marianne declined Newt's offer to be so generous with himself, and sometime later became the second Mrs. Gingrich to get a shattering medical diagnosis — MS. Eight months later, on Mother's Day 1999, Newt dialed her up at her mom's house where she was visiting to ask for a divorce, which was finalized in April 2000.

Newt subsequently converted to Catholicism (the faith of his longtime paramour Callista), then requested and received annulments for both of his previous marriages from the Archdiocese of Atlanta, which allowed the two Godly traditionalists a white wedding inside the confines of Holy Mother Church, where their sacred vows could be properly solemnized.

A mere four months after Newt's second divorce was finalized.

But none of this matters, and here's why; because in Newt's twisted megalomaniacal psyche, his message is so unique, profound and important, nothing he can do can nullify that message. As he explained to Marianne, who asked him how he could rationalize making "family values" speeches during the day, then skulking off to fuck his mistress that night:
It doesn't matter what I do. People need to hear what I have to say. There's no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn't matter how I live.
When it comes to a job where your judgment can affect the world, yeah...it kinda does.

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